It’s Saturday morning and I’m lying across my bed trying to get
some sleep before I have to go to the crisis center. I can’t sleep,
though. I’ve closed my eyes about a hundred times, but I can’t relax.
Besides worrying about what I have to do tonight, another major
problem popped up yesterday. For most teenagers, it would be a
really big event, but for me it’s going to be a disaster, I just know it.
Okay. My 16th birthday is next Saturday. Normally, Mom bakes me a
cake, usually chocolate since it’s my favorite. She buys butter pecan ice
cream because it’s my favorite. Then after dinner while eating cake
and ice cream, they’ll give me my gift. Last year it was a video game I
wanted real bad. After playing it several times, it became boring and I
haven’t played it since.
Anyway, my birthday is next Saturday, and for some reason Cory
remembered it. I’m born on October 30th, the day before Halloween.
When we were in elementary school some of my teachers used my
birthday as an excuse to have a Halloween party. So he asked me what
I was going to do special for my birthday since I would be turning 16. I
was too embarrassed to tell him I’d probably be doing nothing special,
but then Beverly interrupted and said that she was going to have a
Halloween party next Saturday and she was going to invite everyone.
So then she came up with this stupid idea that we could celebrate my
16th birthday too. Everyone started getting all excited about it and
Elizabeth jumped in and said she’d be happy to help her. When I
reminded her that we had to volunteer at the crisis center, she said
that she’d talk to Mrs. Armstrong and make sure that she could get
someone else to cover for her, Caryn and me. Then I tried to make an
excuse that my parents had something big planned and they accepted
that until Abe told them later in the day that he called my mother at
her school. She told him that she thought a birthday party for me was
an excellent idea and she would be happy to pay for a birthday cake
and ice cream. So now I’m out of excuses, and unless it floods our town
next week, I’m stuck having a birthday party that I would rather have
my fingernails pulled out with a pair of pliers than attend. By the end
of the day the whole class knew about it. Beverly thought it would be a
good idea to combine my birthday and a Halloween party, so now we
have to wear a costume too. Get out the pliers and pull my toenails. I
think I’m going to go to the mall and get up into anybody’s face who
even remotely looks like they are sick with the flu. Maybe I’ll get sick
and then I won’t have to go to my own birthday party. I know it sounds
stupid to not want a 16th birthday party. Most kids can’t wait until that
special day. But not me. I just wanted to spend it quietly at home and
then beg Dad into letting me get my driver’s permit. That was MY plan.
Now I have to go to a stupid party, wear a stupid costume and listen to
people sing me that stupid Happy Birthday song. I’m going to try and
rest again before I have to leave for the crisis center.
JUST BEFORE SOMEONE GETS NERVOUS, DO THEY
EXPERIENCE COCOONS IN THEIR STOMACH?
I’m back from the crisis center. It’s after midnight and I’d go to
sleep but I’m too tired to go to sleep. I tried, so I got up and decided
to write a little bit to see if that helps. I’m not sure how I feel about
tonight. I think I like it but I don’t really want to admit it. It’s kind of
like keeping this journal. I hate doing it, but then again, it has really
been like a friend to me the past couple of months. So I guess I’ll just
have to wait a few more weeks to see how I really feel about
volunteering.
Last Wednesday, Mrs. Armstrong told us we’d just sit next to
another experienced volunteer and observe them. Elizabeth wanted
me to join her, but Mrs. Armstrong paired her with Tiffany. I think she
thought that since Caryn and I go to school with Elizabeth, it would be
better if we worked with someone else. So anyway, she had me sit
beside Mavis and observe her. Mavis is a big African American girl.
She’s a senior at our school and I’ve seen her involved in some of the
activities they do in the cafeteria during lunch. She’s on the pep squad
and usually gets people cheering the day of a football game. I was
scared at first to sit beside her because I found her rather
intimidating. She has this really gruff voice and a sharp attitude. But
after sitting with her for about 15 minutes, I felt I’d known her all my
life. When I asked her if she knew Cory, she sat back, stared at me
and said, “Get outta here.” I thought I’d upset her, so I stood to leave.
She started laughing and grabbed my arm and assured me it was just
an expression she uses sometime. Anyway, she’s Cory’s cousin. When I
told her that Cory was one of my best friends at school, we instantly
became good friends. I think I’m really going to like Mavis.
So anyway, I sit beside her and we just talk until she gets a call.
The girl asked for her because she’s talked to her before. Mavis
hands me a pair of earphones and whispers to me to listen to their
conversation. The girl’s name is Michelle and I can tell instantly that
she has very low self-esteem. She complains that no one likes her.
She’s fighting with her mother and step-father, and she’s left the
house and is calling the center from a pay phone at a corner
convenience store. Mavis is excellent at getting information from her.
I learned in the training session it is very important early on in the
conversation to try and find out the location of the caller in case
emergency personnel are needed later. I can tell that the girl really
trusts Mavis. She tells her details of her life, none of which sounded
too bad to me. Most of it was ordinary problems that teens have with
their parents. Tonight she got into an argument over her curfew time.
She wanted to go out with a friend and come home at midnight. Her
mother insisted that she come home at 11. Mavis listened to her
without interrupting and then tried to give her advice. She made her
understand that since she’s only 14, she is technically too young to be
out so late, and that her parents could get into serious trouble if they
permit her to stay out after our town’s curfew laws. Each cubicle has a
computer with information on how to handle calls. I watched as Mavis
searched and found that teenagers under 16 in our city had to be
under an adult’s supervision past 11 at night on a weekend. I wasn’t
even aware of that. I guess it was something I just didn’t need to
know. After explaining this to Michelle, Mavis made her promise to
return home and to call her when she got there. Michelle agreed and
thanked Mavis for being there for her. When she hung up, Mavis
turned to me and asked me if I had any questions on what happened.
We talked about the call and what I might have said. I felt kind of
nervous because Mavis was so good at it, and I’m sure I could never
be as confident as she is. Anyway, Michelle called back about 20
minutes later and told Mavis she was safe in her bedroom and that her
mother didn’t fight with her for going out.
Then Mrs. Armstrong came out of her office and asked me if I had
any further questions. I guess she’d been listening to the conversation
also. I told her I didn’t and confessed my nervousness about taking
calls. She patted me on my shoulder and assured me I’d be okay when
the time came.
While I sat there, Mavis got two more calls. They were from girls
just like Michelle. None of them threatened to hurt themselves, which
I was glad. They just wanted someone to talk to that was their age. So
I kind of liked the experience tonight. I really liked Mavis. I am
feeling better about working at the center because I now see how
important it can be. I still think I’m going to screw up colossally, and
probably cause someone to jump off a building. However, tonight I
realized it may not be as bad as I think it will be. I’m scheduled to
work Wednesday night, but I’ll have to really talk my parents into
letting me since it’s a school night. Mrs. Armstrong said I can leave at
9 instead of 11, so it may not be a problem.
I’m going to bed now and try to sleep. I’m still kind of excited
about what happened tonight. I’ll try and write more tomorrow, but I’ll
probably spend the day doing homework since I didn’t work on it today.
HECK IS FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH
Does anybody else in the world have birthdays? Geez. You’d think
I am the only one to have one. I’m in Mrs. Griffin’s lit class. She gave us
some time at the end of the period to do some silent reading, but as I
look around the room, I don’t think anyone is. Cory is reading a X-Men
comic book. I wonder if he’ll let me read it 6th period. Okay, back to
my birthday. Everyone is talking about the party Saturday. Beverly has
invited everyone in our class, and she said she’s also invited a few
other people since it is a combined birthday-Halloween party. I’d try
to get out of it, but if I did, no one would talk to me the rest of the
year. So I guess I’m trapped. She wants everyone...hold on. Cory just
put his hands inside his pants. Oh, man. It is really big! He’s looking
around to see if anyone is watching, so I have to be careful. I don’t
think he’d care if I saw him, though, since I’ve seen it get hard before.
Hold on, let me watch for a minute.
Okay I’m back. He caught me looking at him. You should see how
red my face is. I’m sure Cory is blushing too, but because of his dark
complexion it’s kind of hard to tell. Anyway, he put his hand back inside
his pants and I saw the head peek out over his boxers. He looked over
and saw me staring at it. I couldn’t look away, so he caught me. He
frowned and rolled his eyes, then he started giggling. I think he was
embarrassed because I saw it. I think it went down now because he
isn’t messing with it anymore. The bell is getting ready to ring in a few
minutes, so I’ll wait until he gets up and see if he covers himself with
his book bag. LOL.
I’m on the bus going home and I just wanted to jot this down. Ever
since I wrote about Perry, I’m kind of obsessing over him now. I saw
him at school in the hall and I even went the wrong way to my
classroom just so I could watch him. He had a big book bag over his
shoulder and he kept pulling it up because it looked really weighted
down with books. I don’t know why he carries all his books with him
anyway. I go to my locker 3 times a day- before 1st period so I can
get my books for my first 3 classes. Then after third before I go to
the cafeteria for lunch to get my books for the last 3. Then I go after
school and get the books I need for homework, which usually is about
ALL of them. I look like Perry after school trying to carry 100 pounds
of books in a thin book bag. Anyway, he has a cute walk. He kind of
bounces on his toes when he walks. It’s almost like he doesn’t put his
heel down on the floor. It gives him a boyish look, although he’s taller
than me. I thought about walking up beside him and saying ‘hi,’ but I
decided against it. He’d probably think I was some kind of a weirdo or
something. He’s noticed me looking at him on the bus, so I don’t want
him to think I’m stalking him at school. He was wearing shorts, and he
has a lot of hair on his legs. It was kind of sexy. Oh, God. I can’t
believe I just wrote that word. Now I know what I have to do as soon
as I get home. Okay, here’s my stop.
WHY DOES YOUR NOSE RUN AND YOUR FEET SMELL?
Crap. I can say crap can’t I since no one is reading this? Okay, so
crap again. Mom is really excited about the birthday party. She even
called Beverly this evening to get more details. Beverly, of course, had
to tell her it was a costume party. I really wasn’t planning on dressing
up. I have a cool Mexican sombrero and I was just going to wear it. But
now Mom is going to make me a costume. I’m dead. Since she teaches in
an elementary school, Halloween is like a big holiday. She plans for
weeks how she’s going to decorate her room. On Halloween day she
usually dresses as a witch, and since she makes her own costumes, she
adds to it each year. I have to admit, she does look kind of cool. She
paints her face green and puts on really dark lipstick. I bet she’s
scared a few kids over the years.
So anyway, Mom is now downstairs ‘designing’ my costume. She
won’t tell me what it is, probably because she knows I’ll object to
anything she makes me. The party Saturday starts at 6 so she’ll
probably spring it on me about 5:30, right before I have to leave and
won’t be able to refuse to wear it. I’m going to try and sneak a peak at
it later this week before she comes in from school. I just know I’m
going to hate it.
Abe called earlier and he’s all excited about it too. He asked Anna
Adler to go with him. She’s Jewish too. He said his father at first
objected, but since Anna is the daughter of his mother’s best friend,
he finally relented and is going to let him date her. It should be
interesting because Sarah and Anna are good friends. They may end up
scratching each other’s eyes out before the party. Abe also said his
father almost didn’t let him go when he found out it was a Halloween
party, but he was able to convince him that he was only going because it
was my birthday party. He can’t dress up though. We both laughed
when he said he’d wear his kippah and get his grandfather’s pipe and go
as an old Jewish man. It was so funny when he started talking like him.
Okay, hold on. Cory is calling me. BRB
Back. I think the whole world is excited about this party but me.
Cory can’t wait for Saturday. He said he’s dressing up as a pirate. He
even borrowed one of his mother’s dangling earrings to wear. She got
mad when he ripped up one of his good dress shirts to make it look like
a pirate shirt. He said he has an uncle who is blind in one eye and wears
a patch, so he’s going to ask him if he can wear it for the party. So now
I’m picturing this poor guy walking around with a hole in his face where
his eye should be just so Cory can wear his patch. That’s kind of gross,
actually. He also mentioned his ‘problem’ in class today, and we had a
good laugh. We both admitted we get hard about a 1000 times a day.
So naturally, we spent the next 10 minutes telling about our most
embarrassing times. It was cool to be able to talk to another guy about
something like that. I just wish Cory wasn’t so straight. I know he is
because when he talked about getting hard, he always wondered if any
girl in our class ever noticed it. He said a couple of times he’s stood up
in front of a girl just so she could see it, but she never looked down.
He seemed kind of disappointed. I was going to tell him that if he ever
wanted someone to look at it, I’d be happy to volunteer, but then I
realized that might be a little too gay for Cory. We’re becoming good
friends and I don’t want to ruin it by him thinking I want to have sex
with him- which I think I do. No. Scratch that. I didn’t mean that. I’m
not even 16 yet. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. But I guess
looking doesn’t hurt, does it?
Okay. I have to go. I have a big project in chemistry which is going
to take me the rest of the night to finish. I’ll write more after my
volunteer work at the center on Wednesday.
IF ALIENS ARE LOOKING FOR INTELLIGENT LIFE,
THEN WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
It’s Wednesday night and I just got in bed. I’m writing with my
back against the headboard, and the journal is in my lap but keeps
sliding. So if you can’t read this, I’m sorry. Hold on. Mom just peeked
her head in the door.
Okay, back. That was close. She noticed the journal and came over
and sat down on the side of the bed. She reached for it and asked me
what I was writing, but I pulled it away. She gave me a really funny
look, but I told her it was kind of private. Dad knows about the journal
because of what happened earlier, but I never told her, I don’t think.
So I explained what it was and told her that I was writing things in it
that I didn’t want anyone else to read. She said she understood, but by
the way she kept looking down at it, I have a feeling she’s going to
sneak in my room and try to read it. I know my parents respect my
privacy and all, but I think the temptation to see what is going on in my
life is just too much for her. She asked me if I’d tell her if something
was really wrong, and it took about 5 minutes to convince her that
nothing was bothering me and I was only keeping the journal because it
was required for a grade. So now I’m going to start putting it under my
mattress when I go to sleep at night. I don’t want her creeping in later
and reading it.
Okay. Now back to tonight. Dad took me and he really seemed
interested in what I was doing. He said that the university provides a
similar service for students. He said he was proud of me for doing it. I
kind of had to hold back some tears because it was the first time he
really said he was proud of me. I know he is, but it was still nice to
hear him actually say it.
I sat with Mavis again. Mrs. Armstrong was going to match me with
another girl, Amanda, but Mavis insisted that I work with her. It made
me feel good that she likes me. I guess she feels like I’m her friend
since I told her that Cory is my best friend at school. She said they
are more like brother and sister than cousins. She has three sisters,
but no brothers, so Cory is I guess her surrogate brother. I asked her
about Cory’s brother, Jayson, but she wrinkled her nose and said he’s
too stuck on himself. I already knew that because Cory said the same
thing once. Jayson is really athletic which Cory and Mavis aren’t. Cory
could be, but I never understood why he never went out for sports. I
asked him once, but he said team sports never interested him. He’d
rather read a book than play basketball. I guess I can understand that
because I feel the same way. But then again, I never had a brother
who wanted me to play sports with him. I think I’d have a major crush
on Jayson, though, if he wasn’t Cory’s older brother. He is really a
hottie. God, that sounded really, really gay. But he is though. I’ve
watched him in the cafeteria when he’s sitting with his friends. He’s
always the center of attention. When he walks down the hall, he’s
usually surrounded by other athletes or pretty girls. Sometimes both.
Cory says he’s shallow though, so I probably would be disappointed if I
ever did get a chance to know him. But I can still dream though.
Now where was I before I started fantasizing about Cory’s
brother? Oh, right. Tonight at the crisis center. I sat with Mavis and
we just talked for about the first hour. She had a homework
assignment in government, so helped her do it. It was about the 4th
amendment to the Constitution. I thought it was fairly easy, but she
had trouble understanding it. So for a little while, I felt like I was
tutoring someone rather than manning a phone at a crisis center. We
also listened to Elizabeth while she talked to some girl who was having
boy trouble, or I should say boys trouble. She was dating 3 guys and
she was afraid they were going to find out. I kind of hoped they would
because it sounded kind of deceitful. I guess I’m sort of old-
fashioned, but I still think that if you’re dating one person, then you
shouldn’t be interested in someone else.
Around 6:30, Mavis got a call and motioned for me to listen in. It
was a boy, and it was obvious he was trying to disguise his voice. It
sounded muted like he was holding his hand over the mouthpiece. I had
a little trouble understanding him. Mavis motioned for Mrs. Armstrong
to listen in as well. I guess they felt that it might be kind of an urgent
call. He just kept saying that he was really depressed and he didn’t
think he could take it much more. Mavis tried to get him to explain what
his problem was, but that was all he kept saying. He sounded really
sad. Mavis covered her mouthpiece and whispered for me to talk to
him. I shook my head no, but she kept insisting. Finally, she told the boy
that she was going to put someone else on the phone. I froze for a
minute, and then said ‘hello.’ And he hung up. Mavis said that was really
strange, and then Mrs. Armstrong came out of her office. She said
that the boy was calling from an unlisted number, so she couldn’t
return his call to see if he was all right. Mavis kept saying there was
something strange about this voice, but since he was obviously covering
up the mouthpiece, it was difficult to understand him. Mrs. Armstrong
told me that if he called back, I was to answer the phone and see if he
would talk to me. She seemed very concerned about him because he
kept saying he couldn’t take it anymore. I think she thought he was
going to do something to himself. So I kept hoping he wouldn’t call back
because I was afraid that I might just say the wrong thing. But that
isn’t the right attitude to take, is it? I mean, I’m supposed to help
people, not be afraid to talk to them. So I finally managed to convince
myself that I would talk to him if he called back, but he never did. Now
I’m worried about him. I’m going to ask Dad if I can read his paper in
the morning to see if someone killed themselves tonight. I think this
crisis thing carries to much responsibility. I mean, I’m going to be 16
this weekend. I’m too young to worry about such serious things as life
and death. I’m going to try and go to sleep now, but I know I won’t get
any sleep.
WE CAN’T ALL BE HEROES BECAUSE SOMEONE
HAS TO SIT ON THE CURB AND CLAP
Okay, it’s Thursday night and I still have about 800 words to go for
this week. This won’t be hard, though, because I have so much to say.
I’m still thinking about that guy that called the crisis center
Wednesday. I scanned Dad’s newspaper yesterday and I didn’t see
anything about someone killing themselves. I even looked at the
obituary page this morning. I know that sounds sick, but I am worried.
If all calls affect me like this one did, then I’m going to quit my
volunteer work at the crisis center. It may mean I won’t get inducted
into the National Honor Society next spring, but I don’t care. I even
called Mrs. Armstrong tonight and asked her if he had called back, but
she said he didn’t. She tried to assure me that it was probably just a
boy who was experiencing a minor setback and he was over it by now.
She said that wasn’t unusual. But I still can’t forget how sad his voice
sounded. Thank goodness, I don’t have to go this Saturday.
But I wish I did have to volunteer. This party Saturday is worrying
me too. I’m going to be edgy all day tomorrow at school. I’d pretend to
be sick again, but I don’t think I could ever stick my finger down my
throat and make myself puke again. Everybody has their costume but
me. I mean, I have mine but Mom won’t show it to me. I’ve begged her
several times to let me know what it is, but she just giggles and tells
me, “You’ll see.” I swear, if she makes me go as a ballerina or
something stupid like that, I won’t go, no matter if it is my birthday
party. She went out to Walmart after school on Tuesday and returned
with a bag. I know it was for my costume because she laughed as she
hurried to her room to hide it. Whatever it is, she’s locking it up inside
a cedar chest in her room. I looked in the closet and under the bed
when I got home tonight, but I couldn’t find anything, so that’s the only
place it can be. She better not do anything to embarrass me in front of
my friends. I have to go to school 3 more years with them. I don’t want
to listen to Cory or Abe tease me about the time I wore a tutu to my
birthday party.
Cory, Abe and James are going to pick me up at 5:45, and we’re
going together to the party. Cory is going to drive since Abe’s dad
won’t let him borrow the car anymore. He said Anna’s mother is going
to take her and a couple of other girls, so he’s supposed to meet her
there. James has a late birthday like me and won’t turn 16 until
January. I still haven’t talked to Dad about letting me get my driver’s
permit. I mean that is the goal of every teen since the age of 10, to
turn 16 and drive. I mean it’s probably about the only thing that’s
really, really important right now in my life. Well, maybe finding a
boyfriend, but I think driving is more important. I can always find a
boyfriend. Driving a car for the first time only comes around once. My
grandmother let me drive hers last year, but I was sworn to secrecy
never, ever to tell Mom. We had just gotten ice cream and as we were
driving home, I told her I couldn’t wait to drive. She looked over and
asked me if I’d ever driven. I sadly shook my head. The next thing I
know, we were heading out of town. She turned down a country road
and stopped. After making sure that no one was coming, she got out
and came over to the passenger’s side. I didn’t know what was going on.
She told me to get out and drive. I told her no. Actually, I think I kind
of screamed it. I’d never considered driving without taking a driver’s
education class first. It’s totally against the law to drive without a
license. However, she opened the door, grabbed my arm and pulled me
from the car. As I resisted, she got in the passenger’s side and locked
the door. I looked stupid standing on the side of the road looking down
at her, so I walked around the car and got behind the wheel. She has a
big SUV Ford Explorer, so it really felt strange to be behind the
wheel. She told me to adjust the seat and rearview mirror to my
height, since she’s shorter than me. After I did that, she told me to
drive. My hands were shaking as I put the car into drive and slowly
crept down the road. She started laughing and told me I was driving
like someone’s old grandmother. We laughed, and I sped up a little bit
more. It was so cool. I couldn’t believe I was actually driving a car! She
let me drive down back roads for about a half hour. I think I did
pretty good. At least I didn’t hit any mailboxes. She told me I did good
for my first time and laughed about how slowly I drove. So I know I’m
going to be a really good driver. I’m really glad she let me do it
because now I won’t be too nervous the first time I have to drive with
an instructor.
Okay. I’m going to go now. I probably won’t write anything more
since I’ve got enough words for this week. But I’ll be back and let you
know what happens at the party.
I AM WEIRD, BUT I’M SAVING UP TO BE ECCENTRIC
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