A Mourning Storm
Things are starting to return to normal- a little. I’ve been back to school for about three
weeks. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. Most people just left me alone. A few would stare
at me as I walked down the hall, and I could hear a few of their remarks as they passed,
but I just ignored them. If it wasn’t me they were talking about, it would just be
Trying to catch up on the work I’ve missed has been a bitch. My counselor summoned
me to the office last week and told me that there was a chance that I might not pass
this year if I didn’t start applying myself better. How can I ‘apply’ myself with all the shit
I’ve been through? But they don’t care. All they focus on is your GPA. There should be
some way of factoring in a person’s personal problems. It shouldn’t be based just on
class work and test scores. Shouldn’t a student who is going through their own
personal hell be evaluated differently from the nerdy boy who has nothing to do at night
but stay holed up in his room studying all the time?
I’ve come to realize over the past few years that life isn’t fair. Actually, when you come
right down to it, it really doesn’t make a lot of sense. There isn’t any continuity to it.
You can go alone one day and everything is fine. Then bam. You go to a doctor and he
tells you that you have the Big C. Like my mother.
Or you can go out to dinner and have the best meal of your life. Then anticipate going
back and losing your virginity to someone who you’re falling in love with. Then bam. You
get broadsided by a car and he’s dead in an instant. Like Wade.
I’ve learned that life offers one guarantee- there is no guarantee for life. It can leave
your body slowly or it can leave in a split second. But one this is guaranteed- it will
leave. I’m fifteen and I already know that. I’ve watched it happen twice.
Gabe wanted me to join him and the other basketball players for lunch, but I don’t have
the time. I come to the library each day to try and catch up on some work. It’s quiet
and I don’t have to deal with anyone.
That’s something else I’m finding myself doing more and more- withdrawing from
people. I don’t think I’m depressed or anything, I just want to be left alone. I’m working
shit out in my mind and people just get in the way.
Aunt Barbara and Uncle Ray are beginning to realize that. For a couple of weeks they
tried to get me to do things with them, but I’d always refuse. They would sit at the
dinner table at night and look worriedly at me. One night I just opened up and talked to
“I’m all right,” I assured them. “I’m not going to do anything to myself. I just need
some time to be alone.”
“Perhaps we should find you a counselor,” Aunt Barbara suggested. “Your father has
agreed to find you someone.”
I bristled at first when they mentioned his name, but I didn’t say anything. I knew he
was worried about me. Why, I don’t know. But sometimes I could hear Uncle Ray talking
to him on the phone late at night. For some reason, it seemed like he was attempting to
get me to come back home. But that was something I was determined that I would
Even though I missed Andrew and Melinda terribly, I did get to see them almost every
Sunday. He’d drop them off in the early afternoon and they’d stay until after dinner.
Many times Aunt Barbara would take us some place, and I’d spend the afternoon with
Last week we went roller skating at a nearby roller rink. I don’t think I’ve had so much
fun in such a long time. Andrew couldn’t stand upright on the skates. Every time he
would start to wobble away from me, he’d fall down. He’d pout and I’d roar with
laugher. Finally, I held him in front of me while we skated around the rink. By the time
we left, he was doing it by himself as long as he was holding my hand.
Then after dinner, they’d leave and I’d return to my quiet room. I’m doing a little writing.
I find that it helps if I put down my feelings on paper. They only problem is, most of the
time I don’t know what my feelings are.
At times I feel sad. Then the sadness turns to anger, and the anger turns to rage. Then
I get mad because I’m angry, and then the sadness returns. I feel like a hamster
running around inside a wheel. Everything is going in circles, but I’m running to nowhere.
Gabe’s a good friend. The best anyone could have. He rides his bike over almost every
night to spend time with me. Sometimes we play video games, but most of the time we
just sit around and say nothing.
He’s also about the only person who can make me laugh. One night last week we had
sat around watching television. Neither of us had said anything for almost fifteen
minutes. He looked over worriedly at me and asked, “Would you like me to kiss you
I sat up and looked surprisingly at him. “What?” I shrieked.
He gave me a goofy grin. “Well,” he said, “the last time I did it, it made you feel happy. I
just want to see you laugh again.”
I started grinning. “Thanks, Gabe,” I said. “You’re a good friend.” He smiled. Then I
started laughing. “But you’re a lousy kisser.” We started laughing and he pushed me
back on the bed.
“Am not,” he grinned as he leaned in toward me. “I’ll prove it.”
When his lips reached mine, I stuck out my wet tongue into his mouth.
“Ewww!” He screamed as he raised his sleeve and wiped my slobber from his mouth.
“You’re fucking gross!”
I lay back on the bed and roared. “I told you that you were a lousy kisser.”
“Fucker!” He mumbled as he rushed over to my bathroom and wiped his mouth out with
water. I then heard him gargling.
I was still laughing when he returned. He sat down beside me and started laughing. “At
least you’re happier,” he smiled.
“And you’re still a lousy kisser,” I laughed.
Good old Gabe. The best friend anyone could have.
I looked over when someone sat down beside me at the library table.
“Can I sit here?” It was Earl Buckman, the student who had passed me the note when
Stephen had spread the news that I was gay.
“Free world,” I replied as I pushed by book bag away so that he could have room to
He fumbled around his book bag before pulling out a notebook and his literature book.
He kept looking over at me and smiling as he opened the book and started to read.
He turned and looked at me. “Did you do the assignment today?”
“Not yet,” I replied. I had been trying to catch up with my algebra assignment. I was
going to do Mrs. Livingstone’s assignment when I got home.
He read a few more minutes before scooting over towards me. He pushed his leg
against mine as he looked over at me. “Do you know what this word means?” When I
scooted away so that our legs weren’t touching, a disappointed look appeared on his
“It means you’re not sincere.” I said as I leaned over and looked at the word he was
“Disingenuous,” I said. He looked down at the book. “It means insincere.”
“Oh, yeah,” he replied as he wrote down the definition. He looked back and stared into
my eyes. “Thanks.”
Earl was a cute guy, but he was rather effeminate. Wade had long blonde hair, and he
was always brushing it back, but he didn’t look like a girl when he did it.
Earl had a habit of brushing his brown hair back as if he was waving at someone.
Students would sit in class and mock him. Many times I’d hear a student tell someone
that they were “so gay.” The person would act insulted and brush aside their hair in the
same manner that Earl would and then reply with a lisp, “I am not.” It would usually end
with a round of laughter.
I had found myself many times feeling sorry for him over the years. It was obvious when
we entered middle school that he was different from the rest of the boys. He instantly
became the butt of many jokes. Around that time I was beginning to question if I too
was like Earl. That was one of the reasons I had hidden my sexuality for so long. I didn’t
want to become like Earl Buckman. I didn’t want other students to tease and ridicule me
the way they did him.
Earl was actually a great guy. Besides being cute, he was kind and generous. He was
usually the first to volunteer for projects that involved helping other students, especially
around the holiday season. He had organized a ‘giving tree’ each year to buy
unfortunate students presents for Christmas.
Unfortunately, his participation often discouraged other male students from becoming
involved. Guys were particularly hesitant to participate because they didn’t want other
students thinking they were involved because they wanted to be closer to Earl. That was
the reason that Earl was usually surrounded by girls. They found him funny and
charming, and they felt safe being with him.
I could tell he was looking at me, so I turned toward him. He frowned and said, “You
never called me Richie.”
“Look, Earl,” I started, but he stopped me.
“It’s okay,” he replied sadly. “I really didn’t expect you to. It’s just that you’re a really
nice guy. I’ve had a crush on you since the fifth grade.” His face started to redden as he
brushed the hair from his eyes.
He started gathering his books and quickly stuffing them into his book bag. “I’m sorry,
Richie,” he said softly. “I don’t know what made me think...” He got up and looked down
sadly at me. “Bye, Richie.”
I watched as he walked slowly from the library, pushing his book bag onto his
shoulders. I called out his name. “Earl.” He turned and looked at me.
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t.” He gave me a big grin and then waved. I waved back as he
turned and left the library.
“You did what?” Gabe shrieked when I told him about the incident with Earl. We were
heading to his house after school. He needed help with a chemistry assignment. Help
usually meant I’d do it for him while he watched a rerun of a football game on television.
“Well he looked so sad,” I replied. “If you could have seen the look on his face.”
“But Jesus, Richie,” Gabe said as he looked over at me. “You told him you would go out
I stopped and turned toward him. “What’s wrong with going out with Earl? I don’t plan
to have sex with him. Besides, he’s the only other gay boy I know.”
“But Jesus,” Gabe stammered. “He’s so..so..you know.”
“So what?” I asked angrily. “Gay?”
“Well, yeah,” he replied. “Duh.”
I turned and started walking down the street. Gabe ran up and grabbed my arm. “Come
on, Richie. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t mind you dating a guy.” He gave
me a worried look. “But Earl?”
“Well I’m starting to get bored sitting around the house all the time,” I insisted. “I need
to go out.”
“You got me,” Gabe responded. “Don’t we have a good time together?”
“When you’re around,” I said. “But now that you’re dating Teresa, I hardly ever see you
“I’ve told you,” he reminded me, “that you can go with us.”
“Oh, yeah,” I rolled my eyes. “That would be fun, watching you two swap spit all night.”
“We don’t swap spit,” he laughed. “Well, maybe.” His face reddened. “When I drop her
off at night.”
I started off down the street. He ran to catch up with me. “We’re going to the movies
this weekend. Why don’t you come with us?”
I turned and grinned. “Can I call Earl and ask him to go?” Gabe’s eyes widened. I knew
I’d caught him off guard. It was fun watching him to come up with some excuse why he
couldn’t go with us. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders.
“Okay,” he said apprehensively. “I’ll tell Teresa tomorrow. I don’t know how she’ll react,
I threw my hand around Gabe’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Gabe.” I laughed. “I was just
teasing you. I wanted to see what you’d say.”
He gave me a look of relief. “So you’re not going to ask Earl out on a date?”
“Naw,” I said as I started to walk away. “Not this Saturday, anyway.”
“Wait, Richie,” Gabe said excitedly as he ran to catch up with me. “What does that
mean?” I started laughing.
“You seem in a happy mood.” My aunt was sitting across from the table smiling at me.
I shrugged my shoulders and ate a big scoop of cereal. “Why do you say that?”
She frowned. “Don’t speak with your mouth full.” She threw the newspaper at me when
I opened my mouth and showed her the contents of half eaten cereal. I started choking
when I started to laugh.
“Serves you right,” she said as she got up from the table, poured herself another cup of
coffee and sat back down.
I was feeling in a good mood. In fact, I hadn’t felt so good in a long time. Since it was a
Saturday, he was bringing Andrew over. Gabe and I were going to take him to a nearby
amusement park. I hadn’t been there since my mother got sick, and I was looking
forward to going.
When Gabe had suggested it, I asked him if Andrew could go along. He said he’d like
that, so I had asked Aunt Barbara to ask him if he could go with us. After talking to him
on the phone, she said that he had readily agreed. He thought it was a good idea that I
wanted to spend time with my little brother. When she said he even volunteered to take
us, I told her I wouldn’t go if he did. After discussing it with him, he agreed to let her
The phone rang and Aunt Barbara got up to answer it. She returned and handed the
receiver to me. “Hello?”
“Richie?” It was Andrew. He sounded excited. “I know you won’t like it, but can Harley
go with us? He’s sitting in our room crying because he can’t go with us. Can he go,
I looked over at my aunt who was staring at me. I think Andrew had probably said
something to her and she had decided to let me make the decision. I had really hoped
that Andrew and I could spend the day together, but he wouldn’t have fun if he knew
Harley was sitting at home alone and sad.
“”Sure,” I answered reluctantly. I looked over and saw my aunt smile. “He can go.”
“He can?” I held the phone from my ear when Andrew squealed excitedly. “Thanks,
Richie.” I started to hang up when he stopped me.
I could hear Harley talking to him in the background. Finally, he came back on the phone.
“Harley wants to know if Freddy can come with us?”
I didn’t mind Harley going, but I was skeptical about Freddy joining us. I still didn’t feel
comfortable around him. He and Gabe had become good friends, and Gabe was always
trying to get me to talk to him. So far though, I had been able to avoid him. I knew that
he wasn’t involved in the decision of moving into my room. However, he was there and I
wasn’t. That was enough for me not to like him.
“I don’t think there’s enough room in the car,” I said. Again, I heard Andrew and Harley
“Harley says he can sit in my lap,” Andrew suggested. “He don’t mind.”
I looked over at my aunt. Even though she couldn’t hear Andrew’s question, I was
pretty sure she knew what he had asked me. “Hold on,” I told my little brother. I
covered the receiver with my hand.
“He wants Harley and Freddy to join us,” I informed her. “Tell him the car won’t hold all
of us.” I tried to hand her the phone.
“He knows better than that,” she replied. “Besides, what’s the harm of them going?”
“I don’t want Freddy to go.”
“Why?” she asked. “I don’t see anything wrong with him joining you boys.”
“Fine,” I said angrily. “Tell Andrew that they can go. I’ll just stay home.” I pushed myself
away from the table and stormed to my room.
I pulled out my literature book and started to work on a homework assignment. I was
upset because I had wanted to spend the day with my little brother. We hadn’t seen
each other for a week, and then we went out with Aunt Barbara and Uncle Ray to the
video arcade in the mall. Harley went with us then and Andrew spent most of his time
playing games with him.
There was a knock on the door, and then Gabe entered. He sat down on the bed and
looked over at me. “Barb said you don’t want to go with us.”
I pretended to write and didn’t look up at him. “I got too much work to do.”
“But you were excited about going yesterday.”
“Well,” I huffed, “I’m not excited now.” I turned and faced him. “Go and have a good
time,” I said sarcastically.
“Ohhh,” he grinned. “Someone’s in a shitty mood.”
“Fuck you, Gabe!” I turned and pretended to write something down in my notebook.
Just then Andrew came running into the room and jumped in my lap. “You ready to go,
Richie? Me and Harley want to ride on the roller coaster.”
“He’s not going,” remarked Gabe as he gave me a snide look. He knew I couldn’t tell
Andrew no to anything.
“Why?” Andrew looked sadly at me. “I thought we were going to have a good time
I pulled him from my lap and stood him on the floor. “You got Harley.”
“But he ain’t you, Richie.” Tears started to form in his eyes. “Please go with us. It won’t
be any fun if you don’t go.”
I looked over at Gabe. “You still got Gabe, Harley and...” my voice turned to a tone of
anger, “and Freddy.”
I heard Gabe mutter, “So that’s it.” He stood up and walked over to Andrew. He gently
led him to the door.
“Why don’t you go in the family room and wait for us.” He turned to me with an angry
expression on his face. “I’ll try to talk this hard-headed brother of yours into going.”
Andrew timidly waved at me before leaving. Gabe slammed the door shut.
“Don’t start on me!” I said angrily. “I’m not in the mood.”
Gabe walked over and looked down at me. “So you’re going to miss having a good time
with your brother just because Freddy is going?”
“That’s not the reason I don’t want to go,” I insisted as I turned and picked up my
pencil. He snatched it from my hand.
“When are you going to grow up, Richie?” His expression was more hurt than anger.
“Freddy hasn’t done anything to you. He doesn’t like the situation any more than you
do. He told me he’d love to leave, but he has no where else to go.”
“He could live with you,” I replied sarcastically. “Since you two are such good friends
“Fuck you, Richie!” He balled up his fist, but then he walked over to the window and let
out an exasperated sigh. “Freddy has done everything he can to be your friend, and you
treat him like a piece of shit.”
“Maybe he is a piece of shit,” I responded.
Gabe walked back over and stood before me once again. “You know better than that. If
you would give him a chance, you’d find out he’s a really great guy.”
I turned and started writing in my notebook. Gabe watched for a minute before turning
and heading for the door. He stopped before leaving.
“I hope you get your assignments done,” he stated sadly. “I just hope it’s worth
missing out having fun with Andrew today. He’s been looking forward to this all week.” I
jumped when he left and slammed the door behind him.
I didn’t know what to do. I had also been looking forward all week to spending time with
Andrew- alone. Sure Gabe was going, but he understood that I needed to spend time
alone with my little brother.
Things just didn’t fit anymore. I missed my home, and I missed my room. I missed
eating breakfast with Andrew and Melinda in the morning. I missed wrestling with
Andrew in the family room as we watched television at night. I missed helping Melinda
with her math homework after school. Most of all, I missed tucking them into bed at
night and kissing them on their forehead.
Now, two strangers had taken my place. Now it was Harley wrestling on the floor with
Andrew. Freddy was helping Melinda with her math. He was putting them to bed and
kissing them goodnight on the forehead.
Tears appeared when I thought about all the times he had put me to bed when I was
Andrew’s age. “Read me a story, Daddy,” I would beg, “Please?”
He’d ruffle my hair and smile. “Sure, Sport. What story?” I would then get out of bed
and grab the book he had been reading for the past few days. Harry Potter had been
one of my favorites.
“Here, Daddy,” I would say as I jumped back into bed and pull the covers over me. He’d
turn the book to where he had inserted the marker, lean back on the headboard and
start reading. I would listen for a while before my eyelids would become heavy. After
reading a few more pages, he’d close the book, kiss me on my forehead and then turn
out the light.
“I love you, Son,” would be the last words I’d hear before sleep overtook me.
“Damn it,” I sighed as I wiped the tears from my eyes with my sleeve. Just then the
door opened, and Andrew entered. After noticing I had been crying, he walked over and
climbed into my lap.
“It’s going to be okay, Richie.” He too started to cry. “I promise.” I held him tightly for
a minute before removing him from my lap. I reached up and wiped his tears away with
He leaned in and hugged me again. “You’re the best brother in the whole world,” he
“You are too,” I replied as I kissed his forehead. I stood and took his hand. “Let’s go.
You and Harley have a roller coaster to ride.”
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