I didn’t know what to do after leaving Rachel’s house. I had this really huge lump in the pit of my stomach. I felt vomit rise up into my mouth several times, and I thought I was going to have to pull my truck over and heave on the side of the road.
I drove around for an hour, afraid to go home. When I did, I saw Kenny sitting on the porch waiting for me. I started to speed up and drive away, but he smiled when he saw me approach, got up and waved. My worst fear came true. Alise had told him, and he now wanted details.
“Yeah, Kenny, it was fantastic. We had sex for hours. It’s a good thing her parents weren’t home because she was screaming so loud. She couldn’t walk when we finished. How I would love to have bragged like that.
“Well?” he asked with anticipation. When I ignored him, he asked, “How was it?”
I pushed my way past him and headed for the deck behind the house. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He ran beside me like a little chimpanzee. “Come on, Zac. It’s me, Kenny. Alise said that you and Rachel were going to do it tonight.”
“She was wrong,” I replied angrily as I sat down on the lounge chair. Kenny sat beside me, looking over expectantly at me. I guess he figured I would soon tell him about losing my virginity.
“Was she a good?” he asked when he realized I wasn’t going to say anything more.
I looked over angrily. “I said I’m not going to talk about it.”
“So, you did it then?” he asked hopefully. I realized that I had just intimated that something had happened.
He started jumping up and down in his seat like a bratty little five year-old. “Come on, Zac. This ain’t fair,” he whined. “I told you about the first time me and Alise did it.”
“I didn’t tell you to,” I replied sharply as I lay my head back and closed my eyes. I just wanted him to go away.
“But I still told you. Did you have fun?” I threw my hand over my ears and pretended not to hear him.
“I know,” he snapped his fingers. “She chickened out and wouldn’t do it.” His voice became sympathetic. “Don’t worry. It happens sometimes. She’ll come around, I bet.”
I looked over and rolled my eyes as he sat back, smiling proudly. He thought he had figured the whole thing out. He turned his head toward me. “You know there’s always other girls. If Rachel won’t give it up, then you can date someone else. We got to get you laid before we go away to college.”
We sat quietly for a few minutes before his cell phone rang. “Hey Alise." He listened to her for a minute, then turned and gave me a puzzled look. “I’m with him now,” he whispered into the phone. He didn’t speak as she continued to talk.
“Where is she?” He sat up and stared at me while he continued to listen to Alise. My chest started pounding. I knew what she was telling him. Rachel had called her and told her what happened. She was now telling my best friend.
When he finished, he looked over angrily at me. “What happened tonight, Zac?”
I stood and looked down at him. “Get off my back, Kenny!” He stood and faced me, and then he grabbed me by my shoulders and started shaking me.
“What the hell did you do to Rachel tonight?” I almost stumbled when he pushed me back. I caught my balance and then started laughing uncontrollably. He gave me a puzzled look.
“It’s what I didn’t do,” I laughed. He looked dumbfounded as I entered the kitchen door laughing.
I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall when I entered. It was 11:23. As I passed the family room to my bedroom, my mother shouted out, “How was your date?”
“All right,” I answered without looking in. I knew if I did, my parents would insist on me coming in and sharing my night with them. I wondered what they would think of me if they knew the truth.
Billy was lying in bed watching a basketball game when I went into the bedroom. He sat up and asked, “Well?” My first thought was that he had to start staying away from Kenny. He was beginning to sound like him.
“Well, what?” I knew what he was asking, but what could I say? How could I tell him what happened tonight. I wonder what he would think of his wonderful, big brother now?
I ignored him as I took off my clothes, folded them over the back of a chair, and wrapped a towel around my waist. I wanted to wash away the filthy feeling I was experiencing. I now wished I had never tried to prove my manhood. I should have waited until I was ready- if ever.
Maybe I was nervous. Perhaps that was the reason I couldn’t do it. However, in the back of my mind I knew the real reason. Her naked body didn’t excite me- and I knew it never would. I now know I am gay. But I don’t want to be gay.
I walked across the hall to the bathroom, turned on the hot water and stepped under it. I closed my eyes as the water cascaded down my body. Only one thought possessed me- I don’t want to be gay. I want to be straight. I want to get married, if not to Rachel then some other girl. I want to have children and raise a family. I want a life like my parents share.
Now all that won’t come to be. Tears fell down my cheeks as I thought about my future. Immediately, I worried about Rachel telling Kenny and Alise. I could play it off as first time nerves, but then that would require me trying it again. Kenny wouldn’t let up until I finally lost my virginity.
I decided as I stood under the water with tears rolling down my face that I would have to break up with Rachel. That is, if she hadn’t already dumped me. I could tell her that the chemistry just wasn’t there between us, but that would only hurt her. However, it was something I felt I had to do.
Panic seized me when I considered that Rachel might suspect I am gay. What if it was something she has suspected, and my actions only confirm her suspicion? I was sure that Kenny would suspect it. He might even come right out and ask me if I am gay. To him the only reason a guy wouldn’t seize upon a chance to have sex with a girl is because he was.
I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. As I dried my body, I came to the conclusion that nothing good was going to come out of all this. I had lost all control of my emotions. And only one person was to blame for the situation I now found myself in- Adrian.
I hated him for what he had done to my life.
When I returned to my room, Billy was sitting on his bed with a wide grin on his face. He held up the one unused condom that had been in my jacket. “So, you don’t want to talk about it?” he giggled. “When you left you had two.” I walked over and snatched it angrily from his hand. He leaned back, afraid I was going to hit him.
“Give me that thing!” I screamed as I tossed it across the room. “You had no right going into my jacket!” I looked down at him as he cowered in the bed.
“I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I was just playing.” Seeing the fear he had in his eyes as I towered over him was the final straw. I couldn’t handle it anymore. His eyes widened as I started to tremble and tears filled my eyes. I walked over to my bed, dropped the towel from around my body and climbed into my bed. I burrowed myself under the covers, curled into a fetal position and cried.
Billy sat on the side of my bed and placed his hand gently on my shoulder. “You want me to go get Dad?”
“No,” I managed to mumble softly. “Just leave me alone, all right?”
I could hear his voice crack with emotion as he replied, “You’re scaring me, Zac. I don’t know what to do. Are you okay?”
I pulled my head from under the covers and looked at him. His eyes were as wet as mine. “Come here.” I reached out and hugged him tightly.
I pulled away and looked into his concerned face. “I’m just going through some really bad thingds right now, but I’ll be okay. I promise.” He nodded his head and then hugged me again.
“Wake me up if you need to talk, all right?” He got up, walked over to his bed. I noticed that he turned on his left side so he could keep a watchful eye on me.
Sleep finally came, but it wasn’t peaceful. I had nightmares all night as images kept jumping into my dreams. Most were violent and frightening. Occasionally, I would hear Billy tossing and turning. Once he got up, walked over and looked down at me for several minutes. It was after that when I was finally able to fall asleep without bad dreams.
Billy woke me up the next morning when he sat down on my bedside. “Zac?” He gently pushed my shoulder.
I opened my eyes to a brightly lit room. I squinted up at him. “What?”
“You ever going to get up?”
“What time is it?”
“After two,” he informed me. I sat up and looked at the alarm clock on my desk. It read 2:12. I rolled over and pulled the cover over my head.
“Let me sleep,” I muttered. He remained seated on my bed for a couple of minutes before once again pushing gently on my shoulder.
“Dad told me to come up and get you.” He pushed my shoulder a little more forcefully. “In fact, he told me to tell you to get your lazy ass out of bed.” He started giggling.
“Tell him I’m still sleeping,” I muttered into my pillow. “Now leave me alone.”
He sat quietly for about a minute before pushing on my shoulder again. “Zac,” he whispered softly. “Are you all right?” I pulled the cover tighter over my head. After about a minute, I heard him sigh as he got up and left the room.
When I awoke, it was almost 5:00. I had never in my life spent the entire day in bed. Even on weekends, I would get up before nine. I guess I didn’t feel like crawling out of bed and facing the world. I felt safe under my covers, and I wished that I could remain there for the rest of my life.
I was getting dressed when Billy came in with a plate of food. “Here,” he said as he handed me the tray. “I thought you might be hungry.” I looked down at the bologna sandwich and some potato chips. I knew he had made it himself for me.
“Thanks,” I said with a smile as I sat on the side of the bed and nibbled at the food. He sat on his bed and stared over at me.
Finally, he fidgeted a bit before getting up the nerve to speak to me. “So, are you going to tell me what happened last night?”
“Look, Billy,” I said. “I really don’t want to talk about it.” He looked at the ground and nodded. “It’s not exactly something I can talk about, okay?” He looked up and attempted a smile.
“Are you upset at me?” I gave him a puzzled look.
“Why would I be mad at you?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Dunno,” he replied softly. “I just thought you got upset with me because of Lonnie.”
“Come here.” I patted the side of the bed. He cautiously walked over and sat down beside me. “I’m not upset with you and Lonnie, okay?” He looked at me and nodded his head.
“I want to talk about it soon,” I assured him, “but today isn’t a good day to do it.” Tears welled up in his eyes as he nodded his head again. I pulled him into a hug. He clutched me tightly, and I could hear him softly sniffling into my shoulder.
“I love you, okay?” He nodded his head against me. “You’re my brother, I always will, no matter what.”
He pulled away and looked at me tearfully. “I love you too, Zac.” He reached up and wiped his tears from his eyes. “Same goes for you. There’s nothing you can do that would make me love you any less.” He leaned in and hugged me. “No matter what it is,” he whispered in my ear.
After a final squeeze, he got up and left the room. I sat down at my computer and checked to see if I had any email. Usually there would be a couple from Kenny. He would forward me funny cartoons and jokes he would find while surfing around. Today he hadn’t sent anything. In fact, there was nothing in my inbox.
I spent the rest of the evening trying to work on a research paper for government. I wanted to forget about what had happened twenty-four hours earlier. Occasionally, I would find my mind wandering to Rachel. I wondered what she was thinking and how she was feeling. I considered calling her and apologizing, but I didn’t know if I could without becoming emotional and saying too much. Since I had decided to drop her as a girlfriend, I wanted to do that in person. All I had to do was come up with some reasonable excuse.
Billy came in and went to bed around ten. He watched a basketball game on television until he fell asleep. Around eleven I got up, undressed, turned off the television, and crawled into bed.
The rest of the night I spent thinking about what was going to happen. Several scenarios kept running through my head- none of them were good. One thing was for certain, my life had changed dramatically. New fears had crept into my life. Pandora’s Box hsd been opened, and its evil was spreading into my world.
I thought of Rachel and how I had hurt her. I worried that I had unknowingly deceived her for the past couple of years. I worried that if Kenny found out I was gay, would I lose him as a friend? What would my mother and father say if I came out to them? I knew Billy would be okay with it, but how would my other brothers and sisters react?
I then thought of my teammates and Coach Templeton. Would I still be permitted on the team if it got out that I was gay? Coming out was something that I didn’t intend to do, but what if rumors begin to spread? What if Rachel tells classmates at school how I had failed her as a lover?
A guy unable to perform naked in bed with his girlfriend would be ridiculed unmercifully. I would become the brunt of cruel jokes if anyone found out what had happened last night. I would never be able to walk down the hall with my head held high.
My life was now a mess, and I couldn’t possibly see it getting any better. There didn’t seem to be a happy solution to any of this. I wondered if all gay guys and girls lay awake at night feeling the same frustration. Is this something we share silently? I looked over at Billy who was snoring lightly. Does he lie awake sometimes and feel an overwhelming depression like I’m now feeling?
Then my thoughts turned to Adrian, the cause of all my pain and frustration. Why did he have to enter my life? Was it some kind of divine plan that our lives would somehow come together?
Was there a connection between us, or was he simply one of the evils that was unleashed when Pandora’s Box was opened? I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t. Thinking about being with him was something I had never experienced before. I wanted him, but I was scared at the thought of being with him. Succumbing to my desires for him would mean only one thing- I am gay. And I don’t want to be gay.
As I thought of his dark, muscular body, his curly hair, his broad smile with perfect white teeth, his friendly disposition and athletic prowess I realized one thing, I felt I may be in love with him. I hardly knew him, but I knew I wanted him. But wanting him would make me gay. And I don’t want to be gay.
“Morning Sleepy Head,” my mother sang out when I entered the kitchen the next morning. She walked over and put her hand on my forehead. “Do you feel all right, Dear?”
“Yeah, Mom,” I lied. “I’m okay.”
“Well, Billy said you were sick all day yesterday.” I glanced over quickly where he was sitting at the table with Josh and Brenda. “He assured us you were all right and you just wanted to be left alone.” He smiled when I nodded my head at him.
I grabbed a bagel off the table and then headed for the door. “Aren’t you going to have breakfast?” My mother asked as she handed me a plate filled with pancakes and bacon. “You need your strength.”
“I’m not hungry, Mom,” I said as I kissed her on her cheek. “Gotta go.”
Actually, I thought that my stomach wouldn’t keep any food down. It was doing somersaults inside my chest. I knew I had to pick Kenny up on my way to school. Since he hadn’t called or come by yesterday, I didn’t know what was going through his mind.
Kenny lives across the street, but I would always back my car out, pull into his driveway and honk my horn twice. He would usually appear at the door and hold up one finger, wanting me to give him another minute. It usually turned into ten.
After honking my horn, I waited about two minutes until his little brother, Brent, came running out to the car wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms. “Kenny said he doesn’t need a ride this morning. Mom is going to take him to school.” He turned and ran back into the house.
I looked up at his bedroom window and saw him standing looking down at me. He turned and disappeared. I knew my day wasn’t going to go well. If my best friend had turned against me, then what chance did I have? That meant that Rachel and Alise would also be upset with me.
As I pulled out of the driveway, I became angry. What business was it to Kenny and Alise anyway? What happened between Rachel and me should have been a private matter. Kenny was at my house when Alise called him from Rachel’s. She hadn’t waited a half hour before she was crying on Alise’s shoulder.
They didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I could have made up some lie. I could have blamed it on sinus medication or something. I heard sometimes that could have an effect on a guy. Kenny knew I just got over a bad cold.
The more I drove, the angrier I became. By the time I arrived at school and parked my car, I was angry. I was angry because Kenny was angry at me, and he had no right to be. He is my best friend, after all. He should have at least given me a chance to tell my side of the story, even if it was going to be a lie.
I’m sure Rachel dramatized everything. Poor, sweet Rachel. All ready to give up her virginity to her boyfriend, only to have him run out of her bedroom without saying anything. And why did tears have to appear in my eyes? She had to know something more was going on than me just being unable to get an erection. She had done everything she could to be the perfect partner. It was me who failed.
She had to have suspected something more. My greatest fears emerged as I walked slowly up to the school entrance. She knows I am gay. What other reason could there be? That would also explain why Kenny didn’t want to talk to me. They must have talked about me and came to the only obvious conclusion- I am gay.
I rushed to my locker to get out my books before Kenny arrived. I took them all out and crammed them into my book bag. I didn’t want to confront him. If he was at the locker, then that also meant Alise would be there. There would also be the possibility that Rachel would appear too. It would be bad enough to have to face one of them, but all three. I would rather have stood before a firing squad.
My morning classes went as usual. I kept looking around to see if anyone was staring at me. If Rachel told Alise, then there was the possibility that she told someone else, who told someone else. Before the end of the day, the entire student body would know what happened in Rachel's bedroom.
It was hard to concentrate during my fourth period class because lunch followed. Today would be the first time in four years I didn’t spend it with Kenny, Rachel and Alise. Even when one of us was sick, we would usually call them on a cell phone and talk to them so they wouldn’t feel left out. Since Alise suffered from severe monthly cramps, she held the record for our lunch calls.
When the bell rang, I stood outside the door and looked down the hallway. I didn’t know where to go. I thought about going to the gym to work out, but the coaches usually lock the doors so they can go eat in the teachers’ cafeteria.
I sighed, pulled my bag over my shoulder, and headed down the hall. I decided that I would go sit in my truck and get a few minutes of sleep before my fifth period. Just before I got to the exit, someone walked up and grabbed me by my arm. I balled my fist to protect myself in case it was Kenny.
Instead, I looked into the face of a very pretty girl. She looked familiar, but I couldn’t remember where I had seen her. She was a light-skinned black girl with beautiful brown eyes and flowing, long black hair. She wore designer glasses and had braces on her teeth.
“Aren’t you Zac Barnes?” she asked. Suddenly, it dawned on me who she was. She was the girl I had seen eating in the cafeteria with Adrian. I had assumed that she was his girlfriend.
“Yes,” I said as I gave her a puzzled look. She wrapped her arm around mine and walked with me as I left the building.
“I’m Valerie Lewis,” she said sweetly.
“Am I supposed to know you?” I asked defensively. I was beginning to think that she had somehow found out that Adrian had tried to kiss me in the restroom. The last thing I needed to worry about was a jealous girlfriend.
“We’ve never met,” she said. “I’m Adrian’s cousin.” I pulled my arm from hers.
“If this involves Adrian, then I don’t have anything to say.” I started to walk hurriedly down the sidewalk. She ran up beside me and grabbed my arm.
“Please, Zac,” she begged. “Just give me one minute.”
“Did Adrian send you?” The entire situation was becoming more confusing.
“No,” she assured me. “He would kill me if he knew I was talking to you.” I continued to walk away, but at a slower pace. She hesitantly took my arm and wrapped her arm once again around it.
We strolled slowly away from the school and were about a block away before she said anything more. “Adrian told me what happened between you two.”
I stopped and spoke harshly. “I didn’t do anything,” I insisted.
“I know,” she said. She took my arm and started walking again.
“As you’ve probably figured out, Adrian is gay.” She looked at me for a reaction, but I said nothing. “I’m the only person who knows, besides you now.”
I looked over at her. “What do you want from me?”
She stopped and reached down and took my hands. “I’m begging you not to say anything to anyone.” Tears started to fall down her cheeks.
“You don’t understand Adrian’s life.” She was becoming overwhelmed with emotion. “His father is a minister. He’d disown him if rumors got back to him.”
I gave Valerie a puzzled look. “Then why did he try to kiss me?” I didn’t know just how much she knew, but it seemed apparent that Adrian had discussed things with her.
“He made a mistake,” she said. “He liked you the moment he saw you. He thought you felt the same way.” She wiped tears away from her face. “He let down his guard.”
I didn’t know how to respond. To admit I felt the same way about him would be telling a complete stranger I was gay. It appeared Adrian trusted Valerie, but I wasn’t sure I could. I also worried that perhaps I was being set up as some cruel joke.
I squeezed her hands tightly. “I won’t say anything to anyone about what happened, you can trust me.” She smiled at me and silently said, ‘Thank you.’ She then stood on her tiptoes and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek.
“I can see why he likes you,” she smiled. “Besides being extremely cute, you’re really a nice guy. Guys like you hardly exist anymore.”
“Don’t overrate me,” I laughed. “I can give you a list of people who think I’m the scum of the earth right now.”
“You?” She wrapped her arm around mine as we walked back toward the school. “I can’t imagine anyone thinking anything bad about you.”
“Wait until you get to know me.”
She started to laugh. “I already know all about you. Adrian won’t stop talking about you.”
“Adrian has poor choice in men,” I joked.
She stopped me and stared up into my face. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I responded. “What?”
“Why aren’t you upset with Adrian?” Suddenly, I realized where this was heading. “If a girl tried to kiss me in a restroom, I’d probably claw her eyes out. But you don’t seem upset about it at all.”
“Look, Valerie.” I turned and started walking toward school with her arm still attached to mine. “Can we talk about this some other time? Now just isn’t a good time.”
She looked up and smiled. “So, there may be a good time to talk about this?”
I looked down and grinned. “Maybe. Just maybe.”
“Yes!” she shrieked loudly as she pumped her fist into the air.
I stopped and turned toward her. “I promised you I wouldn’t say anything. Now you have to do the same for me.” Her smile faded, and she looked up and pouted.
“You wouldn’t do this to me, would you?” She gave me a puppy dog look as I nodded my head.
“Promise?” I asked. She frowned again. I raised my eyebrows at her. I was quickly becoming extremely fond of her. In just a few short minutes, it seemed like I had made a good friend. She was someone I knew I could trust.
“All right,” she replied dejectedly. “Promise,” She wrapped her arm around mine as we headed toward the school and added, “But I won’t like it.”