Do you have any friggin’ idea how hard it is to buy a box of condoms in a town where everyone knows your mother? I went into three drugstores only to find that they were behind the counter, and I would have to ask for them. Two of the clerks knew me by name; and at the third drugstore, a girl in my fourth period was working behind the counter. I ended up leaving buying only a Snickers bar.
I thought of asking Kenny. I knew he always carries a condom in his wallet, ‘for luck’ he would say. A few times he had borrowed the keys to my truck during lunch while he and Alise snuck out and made out. However, if I did ask him, he would want details. There was already enough pressure on me. I didn’t need him to give me advice on how to do it. Even though I am still a virgin, I am confident I know what to do. I've had sex ed.
Besides, he will probably find out next week anyway. I’m sure that Rachel will tell Alise, and Alise will tell Kenny, but make him swear on his grandmother’s grave that he won’t say anything. I figure it will probably take him about ten minutes to hunt me down in the hallway and ask me if it is true.
Then I remembered the bowling alley. The four of us went bowling last year. When I went to the restroom, there was a condom dispenser on the wall. I remember looking at it, wondering how much a condom cost out of a machine. Four quarters. All I needed was four quarters and a reason to go to the bathroom at the bowling alley.
When I entered, I leisurely walked around and watched people bowl. I then went over to the concession stand and got a Coke. I didn’t want it to look too obvious by just walking in and heading directly to the restroom. Everyone would know what I was there to get. So, I sat down and watched a family bowl. The father was trying to teach his younger son who looked like he was about ten. It was amusing to watch him try not to lose his temper after he would give detailed directions on how to roll the bowl down the alley and knock down the ten pins. The kid would listen intently, nod his head and then roll a gutter ball.
I was enjoying watching them so much, I almost forgot what I was in the bowling alley to do. I got up, discarded my cup and then walked nonchalantly to the restroom. My heart was pounding because I was sure someone would come in and find me putting quarters in the machine.
After walking into the restroom, I knelt and looked under the stalls to make sure I was alone. I took eight quarters from my pocket. I wanted to purchase two, just in case I did enjoy having sex with Rachel. I thought that after a brief rest I might be able to do it again.
I was able to get two ‘Trojan Extended Pleasure Lubricated’ condoms. I stuffed them quickly into my pocket before stepping over to the urinal. Before putting it away, I tried to imagine what it would look like with a thin piece of rubber over it. As I was walking away from the restroom, I was faced with another dilemma. I sat down and watched the family bowl again as I wondered if I would need lubrication. The pack said the condom was already lubricated, but would it be enough? I had heard guys talk about having trouble penetrating their girlfriends because they didn’t have lube. Some guys said that spit sometimes was enough.
What if the condom out of the machine was old? What if the lubrication had dried? What if it was so old that it would break open and I would get Rachel pregnant? Now new worries have begun to upset me. After such careful planning, what if I couldn’t prove I could do it because of a defective rubber?
Oh well, I thought. ‘If I can excited, then it really doesn’t matter if we would have to wait. At least I’ll know. Then the next time I wouldn’t be afraid to borrow one from Kenny.’
It was about one o’clock when I left the bowling alley. As I was driving home, my cell phone rang. It was Rachel. She wanted to make sure that our ‘date’ was still on. I could tell by the excitement in her voice that she was eagerly anticipating what might happen tonight. I hadn’t told her my intentions, but it was the first time we had been alone in months, and I think she knew what I wanted to do.
I was about two blocks from my house when my phone rang again. I thought it was Rachel reminding me of something, but it was Kenny. “Hey,” he hollered, “Where are you?”
“On my way home,” I answered.
“Cool,” he said. “Since you’re already out, come by the school and get me. I rode with Jeff, but he had to leave early, and I don’t want to walk home. I’ll be waiting outside the gym door.” He hung up before I even had a chance to respond.
But that is Kenny. He has done it to me hundreds of times. He always assumes that since I am his best friend, I will never say no. However, he is always there for me, too. The only problem is that I hardly ever ask any favors from him.
I slowed down and started to turn around when I pulled up to the school, but Kenny saw my car and waved. Adrian was standing beside him. He had said ‘me,’ not ‘we.’ I was expecting him to be alone.
When I stopped, Kenny pushed Adrian into the middle seat. Again, he pressed his leg against mine. Kenny looked over and grinned. “I’m hungry. Let’s go get a burger or something.” Adrian didn’t say anything. He just looked out the window.
“I’ve already eaten,” I lied. Except for three Snicker bars, I hadn’t eaten anything for lunch.
Kenny elbowed Adrian. “Then take us to Burger King and watch us eat.” Adrian glanced quickly at me but said nothing.
I sighed, put the car into drive and pulled away. Kenny had already made up our minds. He talked non-stop about the baseball team all the way to the restaurant. He kept praising Adrian for this ability to catch. Coming from Kenny, that was quite a compliment.
As he had the last time he rode beside me in my truck, Adrian kept rubbing his bare leg against mine. And like the last time, I got excited. When Kenny looked out the window, I looked down at Adrian's shorts, and he appeared to be excited too.
At the Burger King, we each got a Whopper, large fries and a drink. Kenny led us to a booth. When I sat down, Adrian scooted in beside me. Kenny immediately started talking about baseball, but Adrian interrupted him.
“When does track practice begin?” He turned and asked me. When he did, he looked down at my crotch.
“In two weeks,” I informed him.
“I hope our games and your meets don’t coincide,” he said. “I’d like to see you run.”
“He’s fast,” Kenny said.
“I know,” replied Adrian. He looked into my eyes, “I’ve checked him out.”
I was becoming increasingly upset. Adrian seemed to be hitting on me right in front of Kenny. If it had been anyone but Kenny, they would have noticed his glances at me and his statement about checking me out. However, as usual, Kenny was clueless.
“Excuse me,” I stammered nervously as I attempted to scoot out of the booth. Adrian stood and let me pass. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
I didn’t, but I had to get away from Adrian. It seemed like he was becoming more brazen than he had in the past. Before, I wasn’t sure what his intentions were, but today he was making it obvious.
I went into the restroom and splashed water on my face. As I was drying myself with a paper towel, the door opened, and Adrian walked in. He walked over to the urinal without saying anything and started peeing. I looked into the mirror and could watch what he was doing.
When he finished, he turned and saw me staring at him in the mirror. He took a step back and pulled the front of his pants down. He looked at my eyes in the mirror. I couldn’t stop watching what he was doing. Finally, I looked up. Our eyes met, and we continued to stare.
I nervously took another paper towel and dried my shaking hands. I glanced out of the corner of my eye as zipped his pants and stepped over beside me.
“Zac,” he whispered softly.
I turned and faced him. Our eyes met, but then anger consumed me. Once again, he had done it to me. He had taken control of my emotions and made me want him. He stepped back when he saw an angry expression appear on my face.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized.
“Look, Adrian,” I said angrily. “I’m not interested. I have a girlfriend.”
The tone of his voice became defensive. “You’ve told me that already,” he responded. “So what? A lot of gay guys cover with girlfriends.”
“I’m not gay,” I insisted as my voice cracked. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes from anger.
“Oh, really?” he said sarcastically. He leaned his face towards mine, until we were only inches apart. “Tell me you don’t want me.”
He put his hands on my waist and pulled me even closer. “I want you,” he said softly as he put his lips only about an inch from mine. “I’ve wanted you since I first saw you.”
I really wanted him to kiss me. I even closed my eyes waiting for his soft lips to touch mine. Then it hit me- the wild thoughts, the anger, the guilt. He lost his balance and almost fell to the floor when I pushed him away.
“I’m not gay!” I shouted angrily. An astonished look appeared on his face. Before leaving the bathroom, I turned and muttered, “I’m sorry.”
Kenny gave me a weird look when I sat down. I’m sure I wasn’t able to hide what I was feeling inside. I was extremely upset. Why did Adrian just assume I was gay? No one had ever thought of me as being gay. I hadn’t even considered myself gay until he came into my life.
I think I was more upset with myself than Adrian. When he leaned into me and tempted me to kiss him- I wanted to. I wanted to kiss every inch of his dark, muscular body. I wanted to lick him in places that I had never even thought about before.
I could smell the hamburger on his breath when he whispered, “I want you.” His eyes twinkled with excitement and his soft, full lips opened for me to kiss him. And I hated myself because I wanted to kiss him. In a few hours, I would be lying naked with Rachel. Instead, I wanted to be lying naked with Adrian.
“Are you all right?” My eyes focused on Kenny who was sitting looking worriedly at me.
“Yeah,” I said . Just then, Adrian walked up and sat down.
Kenny leaned back, raised his arms and yawned. “You guys ready to go? I’m tired.”
“Sure,” I said as Adrian and I stood. Again, he glanced quickly down at me.
As we drove to his house to drop him off, he sat nearer to Kenny. Not once did he press his leg against mine. I kept glancing out of the corner of my eye at him, but he had his head toward Kenny as he looked out the window.
The radio was blaring rock music from a local radio station, so none of us said anything. Occasionally, Kenny would sing to a song that was playing. When we dropped Adrian off, he got out without even saying goodbye.
As I pulled away, Kenny turned to me and asked, “Is something going on between you and Adrian?”
“Why would you ask something stupid like that?” I answered defensively. “I hardly know the guy.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “It’s just that there’s some weird vibes when you two are together.”
I drove without looking over at him. “Like I said, I hardly know the guy.” I could tell out of the corner of my eye that he was staring at me. We rode in silence the rest of the way to his house. He tried once to get me to tell him why Rachel and I had changed our minds about going to the movie with him and Alise. I lied and told him that Rachel’s parents wanted us to do something with them. I have to remember to tell her to tell Alise the same thing.
I had finished showering and was getting dressed when Billy walked into the bedroom. He sat on the side of his bed and watched me.
“Big date?” he asked. “You don’t usually wear a tie and jacket unless you’re going someplace special.”
He got up and walked over to me. “Stand still,” he ordered as he straightened out my striped tie. He pushed down my collar and brushed off my shoulders. He then stepped back and looked at me. “You clean up nice,” he laughed. “You still haven’t told me where you’re going.”
“Rachel and I have a dinner date,” I informed him. I saw his eyes wander to my dresser. The two condoms were sitting on top. He returned to his bed and started laughing.
“Dinner date, huh?” He rolled on the bed laughing. “And what do you plan to be eating?”
His eyes widened and then he started laughing again. “Ewww,” he giggled. “I just grossed myself out.”
With a reddened face, I walked over and stuffed the condoms in my jacket pocket. He watched and then rolled back on the bed laughing. I stepped over to him.
“If you say a word to Mom and Dad,” I threatened, “I’ll.. I’ll..” He started giggling uncontrollably. When I turned and walked back over to the mirror and looked at myself, he got off the bed and stepped up beside me.
“It’s okay, Zac,” he said reassuringly as he put his hand on my shoulder. “I always figured you and Rachel were already having sex.”
He started giggling when my face turned a bright red. " Zac,” he squealed. “Is tonight going to be your first time?”
“Would you shut up!” I admonished him as my face continued to turn red.
“You’re a virgin!”
“Well,” I replied, “So are you.” It was now his turn to blush. He started to say something but turned quickly and went back and sat on his bed.
I walked over and looked down at him. “You’re not?” He looked up and blushed. “When have you had a girl? You’ve never been on a date?” He quickly jumped up from the bed.
“Just forget it,” he said as he pushed me aside and rushed from the room. “I ain’t been with a girl.”
Suddenly, I realized there was more than one way to lose your virginity.
“You look beautiful,” I said as she came down the stairs. Her mother was beaming with pride. For a second, I felt guilty and wanted to turn around and leave. Rachel was too nice a girl for me to ‘experiment’ with. I could tell by the way she smiled at me when she approached and kissed me on the cheek that she was totally in love with me.
We had told her parents that we were meeting Kenny and Alise at a nice restaurant downtown and then we were going to a movie afterwards. Her mother kissed us at the door and told us to have a good time. She reminded Rachel that she and her father might be late coming home and not to wait up for them.
On the way to the restaurant, I told Rachel to tell Alise that we were going out to dinner with her family. I wanted to make sure that our stories were the same since I had lied to Kenny.
“Too late,” she said apologetically. “I kind of already told Alise where we were going. She came over and helped me get dressed. She left minutes before you arrived.”
I knew I was in trouble. If she and Alise had spent the afternoon together, then they had also planned the evening. I could just picture them as they giggled about Rachel having sex with me for the first time. By now Kenny probably knew that I was about to lose my virginity. If I knew him, he would probably be sitting on Rachel’s doorstep waiting for me to leave so he could ask me how it was. We’d made a big deal when he lost his virginity two years ago. Since then, he had been trying to get me to give up mine. Tonight will be a crowning victory for him.
We went to an expensive steakhouse. I almost choked when I saw the prices. I told Rachel to order anything she wanted- and she did. She started with a shrimp cocktail. She then ordered a porterhouse steak, medium rare. I had prime rib. I thought I would have to do wash dishes in the back room for a month when the waitress brought me the check. It was $126.32 including gratuity! I was embarrassed when Rachel had to loan me twenty-six dollars. I had only brought a hundred.
My hands shook as we drove back to her house. I almost ran two stop signs because I was thinking about what was going to happen. Rachel found it amusing and told me to relax. Easy for her to say. All she was going to have to do was lie back. I was the one who was going to have to do all the work. And the more I thought about it, the more worried I was becoming that little Zac just might take this evening to decide to go on strike.
I reached over and rubbed the nylon hose Rachel had on. She looked over and smiled timidly at me as I ran my hand up and down her leg. Nothing. I didn’t feel anything. I continued to rub my hand higher up her leg until I was rubbing just below her panties. She giggled and opened her legs wider for me to get better access. Again, nothing. I wasn’t getting excited. I was sure that by the time we were lying naked in her bed I would be ready.
When we got to her house, we looked around to make sure that we were alone. She grabbed my hand and led me to her bedroom. She knew what we were going to do. I’m sure she had made plans like I had. She lay on the bed and patted it for me to lie down beside her.
When I lay back, she looked at me lustfully. She then leaned forward and kissed me- gently at first, but then her kisses became more passionate. I felt like pulling away and leaving, but I knew we had passed a point of no return. It was now something I had to do.
She took my hand and put it inside her blouse. I started to gently rub her as she moaned. She shoved my head down toward her chest.
Any other guy would have been excited to have his girlfriend's breast, but I was silently praying that this would end. I didn’t like the feeling in my mouth, and her loud moaning was beginning to disgust me. I jumped when she reached down and squeezed the front of my pants. She sat up and gave me a puzzled look. I guess she figured that I should have been excited by now.
She got up and walked to the middle of the room. I watched as she began to do a slow strip for me. I reached down and started feeling on myself.
She looked seductively at me. “I want you, Zac,” she cooed as she came back over to the bed and lay down beside me. “I’ve wanted you for months.”
She lay on her back and began rubbing her body as I watched. She was sexy and titillating. The only problem, I wasn’t getting excited. I was hoping that by the time I was naked, I would be hard.
“Excuse me,” I said as I jumped from the bed. I went into her bathroom and began to undress. Once naked, I played with myself to get a reaction. But I couldn't.
I covered myself with a towel and went back into her bedroom. She was lying on her back with her legs spread as she watched me approach. I climbed on the bed with the towel still wrapped around me. I mounted her and began kissing her passionately. I was hoping I would be ready, but I wasn't.
Rachel did everything she could think of to get me excited. Alise probably told her what to do. She was eager to lose her virginity, but I just couldn't do it. Rachel wasn’t Adrian. I could have closed my eyes again and pretended I was having sex with him, but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Rachel. It would be wrong to have sex with her and pretend I was having sex with someone else. I didn’t want to live my life like that.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly. I then turned and hurried into the bathroom. I locked the door, but Rachel kept knocking and begging me to let her in.
“You’re just nervous,” she cried through the door. “It happens to a lot of guys. We’ll try again later.”
When I opened the door, she was sitting on the edge of her bed. She was tightly clutching her bathrobe around her neck. I walked over and stood before her. I didn’t know what to say. What does one say in this situation? She looked up tearfully at me.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. Tears of embarrassment filled my eyes. She reached out to take my hands, but I pulled them away. Blinking away tears, I left. I could hear her sobbing as I slowly closed her bedroom door.